1. I don't hate sports, I just hate being unfit. This one is a long story I will try to make short. Ever since I first gained weight in grade 5, gym class was a nightmare: I was last picked and picked on. For the last 8 years of public school I hated every second of every mandatory phys. ed. course I ever had to take. In high school it was made worse by the fact that I grew too tall too fast, and my heart hadn't grown enough to catch up to the size of my circulatory system. Cue passing out every time I did any cardio for all of grade 10. It took 6 months for people telling me I was just lazy and avoiding school for a doctor to finally tell me that I actually had a medical condition. Fun times.
Needless to say the shaming and anguish I experienced continued to haunt me into my 20's. Instead of working on cardio to make my heart stronger, I fine tuned the art of avoidance. I couldn't, I didn't like it, it wasn't for me, I just wasn't into sports. Any time my friends encouraged me to participate convincing me that anyone could do things like, throw a Frisbee, I would just get even more frustrated because I still couldn't keep up. Cue temper tantrums and running home to have a snotty cry (I wish I was kidding).
Then, 2 years ago, I discovered hockey. I've always been a fan, but I never played. Growing up in the 80's I was put into figure skating because that's what girls did, but I honestly just wanted to play hockey. Then the boy got new hockey gear, and I got hand me downs. Cue going to the outdoor rink down the road, falling on my ass, but having a ton of fun trying. I think having someone that actual supported me when I failed and wanted me to do better made all of the difference.
So. Much. Fun.
Since then I've picked myself up out of the almost rehabilitative state my cardio and strength was in. I'm still a really shitty goalie, I can still barely run for 2 minutes on a good day, I'm still not very strong BUT I don't avoid flights of stairs, I don't avoid social events that involved physical activities, I don't say that I can't do things anymore. I've still got a long way to go but I'm excited that I will be able to run with the boy and keep up, play a whole hockey game without puking, and maybe even get back into biking. Holy crap!
2. I want to buy things from stores for average size people. Ok I've accepted that I'll still have to order a lot of my shoes, and I'll always be on the hunt for long inseams and long length arms, but hot damn it would be so nice to go into a store and be able to fit into something without going "oh they don't carry my size". I would hover between a 13 and a 15 so most of the time the largest size regular stores carry is just too small for me. Luckily, after my first foray into size loss last year I managed to squeak in at a size 9/10, which is often the largest size most places carry.
However, now I want to push things a little further. I want to be able to go into a store and not just find something my size, but not feel limited by my size. There are still some things I won't wear because you can see the cottage cheese on the back of my thighs, or that little roll in my armpit, or it doesn't contain my muffin top. I know I won't look good in everything, but I want to try something out and hate it because it doesn't fit my shape, not because my shape doesn't fit it.
3. I want my tattoos to look better. Ok this one is a little on the shallow side, but I will admit that the reason I never got any upper arm tattoos isn't because I didn't want them but because I feel like my arms are too gross and flabby. There are other spots but the general consensus is that if the canvas doesn't look good it reflects how good the art looks. I'm getting a thigh piece next month so I really want to shed some of the thunder thighs before that happens. There also the horrifying possibility that my tattoos will stretch out and be ruined if I continue to gain any weight. That would just break my heart.
4. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin. This is the obvious one. I don't want to feel like I have to hide myself or be embarrassed by my body. I have a tendency to be a very over confident almost abrasive person, so I want to exude this part of my personality without my rolls getting in the way. I'm not a butter face, I'm a butter butt, so any reasons why I'm not that smokin' hot chick are things I've done to myself. I'm so over feeling like the fattest girl in the room, and feeling like everyone knows it.
5. I want to be healthier. After I started working out and eating well I cannot begin to describe how much better I felt. I've had a lot of back problems, knee problems, shoulder injuries and stomach issues and working on my fitness and diet helped every single one of these. I'm getting stronger, and I'm realizing a lot of my back/knee issues were related to muscles being too weak. My shoulder is feeling better because using it increases blood flow and circulation which reduces the swelling I usually experience. Obviously my stomach is much happier now that I've reduced the amount of processed, greasy, bad for you crap I'm stuffing into it and eating on a more regular basis. I'm sick of being sick, and running is my cure.
6. This dress.
Totally the most shallow reason.
I graduate from my second bachelor's degree at the end of next month. Naturally, I used this as an excuse to buy myself a pretty dress. I found this little gem half price online and had to have it. Typically I'm a medium, so I bought a medium. I really should have read the description that read "fits small, no stretch", but I was too elated with the price and adorableness I didn't even notice. Do you think there was even a glimmer of hope of getting this thing on? It's not as if I just couldn't zipper it, but I couldn't even pull it up over my hips. After measuring the dress and comparing it to my measurements I come to find it's just a little bit under 2 inches too small. Well shit.
Luckily, I have at least 2 inches to lose, so I hung this little beauty on my closet door to serve as a daily motivator. Ok, maybe 2 inches in a month is a lofty goal, but I have another dress I can wear so it's not the end of the world if it doesn't happen. The point is that this dress could fit me, and if I work as hard as I can it will fit me.
I'm sure I'm missing some, but this post will serve as a reminder for me on days like this when I'm feeling like I can't do it, when I'm feeling like I'm not good enough, and when I feel like just throwing my hands up and saying "fuck it!". It'll help me stay honest with myself, and sometimes laugh at myself, because this shit is hard and we all need a little comedic relief (even at our own expense). I will hate myself, I will cry, I will feel like I've reached the end of my rope, but I'll do this. Fuck yeah, I will do this.
And now comes the part where I run until I want to throw up.
And now comes the part where I run until I want to throw up.
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